Joke Thread

[ACC-Man]

I know everyone loves a good laugh, what makes you (all) smile or shake your head in astonishment?? I don't mean any racial jokes, there is enough of that in the world, lets keep this a tranquil place for smiles and maybe an enlightment to your day??
I"ll start..

Three handicapped persons, a deaf man, a blind man and a man in a wheelchair pilgrim to Rome, visiting holy site, which has a fountain that supposedly has "healing powers".
The deaf man walks to the fountain, says a prayer, dunks his hands in the water, rubs it on his ears... He yells "hallelujah, praise the lord i can hear!!!"
The blind man walks to the fountain, says a prayer, dunks his hands in the water, rubs it on his eyes... He too yells "hallelujah, praise the lord i can see!!!!"
The fellow in the wheelchair rolls around to the back of the fountain, says his prayer, rolls via a ramp into the waters, comes back out............................................... ...........................
.................................................. ...................................
.................................................. ...................................
and has new tires.

I hope i haven't peeved anyone with this, If I did, i am sorry!!!

[speedlimitz]

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers???









Well hung. Lol

[Peregrine]

(moved to correct forum)

[kuma912]

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia..

He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at thehotel's coffee house.

A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.
Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. Thecrusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them intocroissants & sell them across to Singapore."

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.
Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam,..... before we sell it across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"
Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"
Singaporean : "Do you wear protection"
Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."
Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum &sell them across to Malaysia,... & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."

[psyk0tic808]

^^haha....pretty funny....

[tsx4life]

lol

[kuma912]

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

[ACC-Man]

Why don't blondes (women) watch porn movies??

Cause there's no wedding at the end...

[kuma912]

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

[kuma912]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."

[kuma912]

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."

Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

[kuma912]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed Little Johnny. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[tsxtasy]

Originally Posted by kuma912

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."

[jteeen]

^ haha